Out In The dark

Reflections from my night walks.

In Rochester, the late Autumn and Winter Sky is splattered with twinkling lights from stars far, far away.

At this point, when the winter constellations began to appear, months had gone by since I graduated from college. And further down the stream, all those memories seemed to go. And there I was, going in the opposite direction of a time that I so dearly cherished.

I’d been lonely before, even in college when friends surrounded me. But this time it felt strange. I was on a blank, confusing sheet. I had lots of opportunities, but none seemed to fit me, which then overwhelmed me into decision paralysis. I felt as though I had nothing to go off, since nothing defined me this time either: I wasn’t a college student, and I certainly did not want to be defined by the job I was working. So who was I?

I couldn’t say.

Now, back in Rochester, I was spiraling into a “post-grad depression”. I was working as a preschool teacher at the same Daycare I worked at in high school. I loved working with kids, but I felt out of alignment. I pictured myself somewhere else— like New York City— not the same job I had since I was 17.

I was sharing a room with my little sister, and the privacy and peace I had in college were now missing. I was far from my friends, since most of my friends from high school weren’t in Rochester anymore, and my college friends were either in Albany or down in New York City. I was absolutely lonely.

My solution started during the cold nights, where the air nips your cheeks, leaving them red, and your breath smokes out from your mouth as a chimney does on freezing days.

After working long days at the Daycare, I’d put on my boots and jacket again, layering up some more since the sun had gone down, and started walking.

I walked. And walked. And walked some more. I walked the whole town, and then some, just to find an answer to a question that takes a lifetime to find.

In the process of trying to figure out: who am I? I became acquainted again with Polaris, Orion, Taurus, and Sirius.

I’d met them when I was a child, but I lost the connection in my adolescence and college years. Now, alone again, I’d look up and say hi. They wouldn’t say anything back to me, but they would make me feel something.

Perhaps it was because of how vast and endless the night sky looked during those somber nights that grounded me. Maybe I felt alone, but really I wasn’t. I was a part of something bigger than myself, and the night sky reminded me.

Up in that sky.

It’s like there’s a whole world up there far away high in the air.

No wonder why we imagined gilded stairs inside castles on clouds. With the planes and satellites coasting though the currents of the heavens, it’s evident how hard we have tried to touch the fingertips of angles.

To other creatures our desire to rise above the earth is merely proof of our existence, but even with these man-made creations, the night sky has never looked more beautiful.

We have left our mark on the sky the same way a lady leaves the mark of her lipstick against her teacup.

Sometimes the most dull things in life can turn into the most beautiful things. It’s up to you to choose.

The monotony of life can be blinding. I have forgotten the turning of seasons. It was not until my night walk that I looked down at my pacing feet, to find piles of orange and brown leaves. Suddenly, like remembering a moment from a scent, it occurred that Autumn came again. It was I who had not noticed, despite the plentiful reminders of Autumn in shops and stores.

Luckily, like a loving reminder, the leaves sprinkled heavily on the street told me that everything changes, and a new set of eyes graced my perception. Regardless of life’s inevitable repetition—Autumn does come every year—there is a decision which can be made at each New Year: a decision to either change with the seasons or stay behind and wither like the sunflowers who couldn’t find the sun. Change with the world, the leaves said, there is never a need to believe that anything will ever stay the same. And a weight lifted from my shoulders.